How Theatre Saved My Life (And Possibly Yours)

The more I read about Jared Lee Loughner (Washington Post article) and his unhappy teen and young adult years, a chill runs down my spine because his life bears striking and eerie resemblance to mine; I could easily have gone down that same spiral, and for all I know might have snapped like he did but for fortune, a handful of choices, and the love of friends and family. Oh, and Drama Club.

I too was an only child (though not quite) of a Vietnam vet father with his own set of demons to wrestle with and a teen mother who didn't really find herself until my own teens. I had neither an especially happy nor unhappy childhood, and my family could have been described as dsyfunctional. My parents were never a good match, and I realize were it not for my pending arrival they'd never have continued to date, let alone marry. My early childhood was in a trailer park. My parents fought often. On my tenth birthday they announced they were separating, and eventually they divorced. Dad never remarried, and drifted through periodic employment. Mom got her real estate license and became very successful, and its just easier for me to refer to her long-term fiance as my stepfather.

I was quite a sheltered and solitary person as a teen. Undersized (a 90-pound freshman), scrawny and awkward, I was usually the class punching bag, I never sought out friends (the few I had initiated friendship with me), I didn't date at all, rarely socializing except for group activities (Boy Scouts, wrestling team, drama club, etc). I distinguished myself scholastically though I was rather unmotivated, half-assing my way to B's and occasional A's. With a bit more effort and/or focus I would have easily graduated top of my class (instead of 8th out of 80) and gone to a better school than the University of Maine, in which I enrolled mostly by default. I interviewed at Dartmouth, and am pretty sure I'd've gotten in, but let the application deadline pass. My lack of social skills and the intensely competitive scholastic environment would have caused me to either rise or sink, and subconsciously I believed I'd've sunk. I had enough trouble with the honors classes I did take at UMaine, though I did have a respectable GPA and graduated with High Distinction.

My work history during and after college? Pretty much just like his. McDonalds, slinging popcorn at the movies, theatre camp counselor, Applebee's, a copy center, BJ's Wholesale Club, helping my stepdad (a contractor) at his building sites, and some of Kittery Maine's finer retail outlets. Eventually in my mid-20's I realized the co-workers my age were either upper management, mentally challenged or had some severe socialization issues, and that I could do better. A big step for me was when I got a job correcting achievement tests; for once I was actually using my brain and eventually I was promoted, temporarily at least, to trainer. Then I started temping at real live office jobs, demonstrating my skills with MS Office, and even landed an actual honest-to-god permanent job at Liberty Mutual, though I quit after six months for a theatre internship. I ended a nearly four year job at a major environmental non-profit when I moved up to Boston this fall. Longest time I ever spent in one workplace.

Given that my usual routine when I didn't have rehearsal or a show was to stay home and watch TV, my romantic life was pretty much a joke. I do not recall asking anyone out in my entire life face to face. I rarely went to bars, and when I did it was with a group of friends. Hell, were it not for the internet I might still be a virgin. And when I did date, rarely did it go beyond a few encounters. I learned that six months of flowery discourse via email with someone 500 miles away is trumped by one incredibly awkward weekend face to face. I also learned that there are people out there even more socially challenged than I, and dating them for a year or so won't fix them. Now I'm in a stable relationship of over two years. Well, the most stable to date.

There have been bad days. Days that could've sent me down a bad direction. One day during college, my tendency of emulating people that I admired/fancied to the point of copying was rather tactlessly pointed out to me, in front of my best friends and the person whom I admired/fancied. My humiliation burned inside me, and as I later sat alone that night and watched a news documentary about serial killers, my mind went to some really dark places. Thankfully I didn't linger long.

It's often occurred to me that I have traits similar to people with mild cases of Asperger Syndrome.

So I'm an intelligent, artistically gifted but socially awkward loner with a history of underachievement and underemployment. I'm a prime candidate to have turned into Jared Lee Loughner. So why didn't I? My best answer, along with that I managed to steer clear of drugs, hard liquor, and The Catcher in the Rye, is that I found the performing arts.

I'd been part of some school play or other since kindergarten, though the drama bug didn't really hit me until my freshman year of high school. Joining the Drama Club was one of the first close experiences I had with other people, working as an ensemble toward a tangible goal, experiencing success as we won statewide drama festivals. Although the next three years weren't as fulfilling (the drama coach left, and I found his replacement intensely disagreeable), I majored in theatre in college. Even though my talent level and social skills relegated me largely to supporting roles, I kept at it after college. I was lucky to live in an area with a large community/semi-professional theatre scene, and I spent several years working with amazing and talented people. The most important thing I gained from this experience was a peer group. A collection of colleagues and friends that I could bond with. I grew as a person, and consequently as an artist. I wasn't that good when I graduated from school, but I kept getting better. Today I'm no DeNiro, but I know what I'm doing, I almost always have a show in the pipeline, and have made strides as a local arts advocate.

Even though I was pushing carts at BJ's (along with some scary, maladjusted individuals) or temping, I was regularly acting, producing, directing, writing reviews and articles, and was a respected member of the local artistic community. That kept me going, even through occasional bouts of depression and loneliness.

My social limitations may be partly responsible for not achieving as much as I could have by now. Or I can use as an excuse that my straddling of two worlds, my work world and my acting world, has kept me from success in one world or the other; I've given up jobs for theatre gigs, and I've often foregone auditions at larger theatres since I'd never be able to get the time off from work. I'm approaching my 40th birthday and most of my peers and colleagues are at least a decade younger than me. Sometimes this bothers me.

But then I wonder what my life would have been like if I didn't go into theatre. I might have majored in math or science, I might've flunked out, I might've drifted between menial jobs, and the life I wanted might have drifted further and further from my fingers. I wonder when, if ever, I'd've moved out of either of my parents' houses. Or somewhere along the way I'd've stayed in retail and gone into management. I'd be depressed, bored, unfulfilled and alone. I might've gotten increasingly bitter and angry. I might've gone into some of those dark places and not returned.

Of course, then again maybe not. But it worries me.

I also worry that there are thousands, even millions, of people who weren't gifted with some of the social instincts that others possess, and but for a few fortuitous choices or events might wind up snapping like he did. I don't necessarily believe in evil, but I do believe that societal outliers are much more susceptible to mental illness, and their lack of ability to form positive human connections makes them prone to a spiral of bitterness, conspiracy theories, paranoia, and schizophrenia. And given that this is America, where thanks to the Second Amendment the mentally ill can get guns a whole lot easier than treatment, there's always going to be another Jared Lee Loughner. Or George Sordini. Or Seung-Hui Cho. Or Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Or Ted Kaszcynski. Or Mark David Chapman. Or John Hinckley. Or Charles Whitman. And so on and so on.

I won't be so naive to suggest that taking a drama class would've kept these people from becoming killers. But theatre has turned lives around. Gary Sinise would arguably be stealing cars today instead of being an Academy Award nominated actor who founded one of the best regional theatres in the country had he not been approached by a drama teacher to be in a high school production of West Side Story. Somewhere along the line these people needed to find something or someone that didn't make them feel so alone, that gave them some positive direction in their lives. A sense of purpose. Some hope. Some love. Drama Club or not, just someone to reach out to them. Their victims might still be alive today.

Or we can just do what America seems to do best: push these people to the fringe of society, let them simmer until they snap, react with sorrow and outrage, point fingers, bury their victims, execute/imprison/commit them, and wait for it all to inevitably happen again.

My life is far from perfect. But theatre keeps me afloat, and I'm forever grateful that it's in my life.

Garrison Keillor, I Friggin Love You.

From today's Salon.com article.

"Poor Larry Craig got a truckload of moral condemnation for tapping his wingtips in the men's john, but his party proposes to spend 5 percent of the GDP to buy up bad loans made by men who walk away with their fortunes intact while retirees see their 401K go pffffffff like a defunct air mattress, and it's business as usual. Mr. McCain is a lifelong deregulator and believer in letting brokers and bankers do as they please -- remember Lincoln Savings and Loan and his intervention with federal regulators on behalf of his friend Charles Keating, who then went to prison? Remember Neil Bush, the brother of the C.O., who, as a director of Silverado S&L, bestowed enormous loans on his friends without telling fellow directors that the friends were friends and who, when the loans failed, paid a small fine and went skipping off to other things? Mr. McCain now decries greed on Wall Street and suggests a commission be formed to look into the problem. This is like Casanova coming out for chastity. "

Scenes from the Freefall

A note on the pervasive influence of Fox News

Had lunch with a friend this afternoon, and on the way back to the office I stopped into Soho in Dupont Circle for a coffee. On the counter were a pile of Hillary stickers & buttons. When I commented 'gosh, I guess it's clear who you support', the manager said (paraphrase) "I don't want no terrorist for president. He's hiding something about his past..." I might expect this from a right-wing wacko, but from a Hillary supporter? Dang...

Political Compass

I took a test on Facebook this morning to measure where I ranked on the Political Compass. I'm still as collectivist liberal as always, though I probably have drifted a bit over the years. On a scale of -10 (lefty) to +10 (righty), I measured a -6.12 for economic matters, and on a scale of -10 (Anarchism) to +10 (Fascism), I measured a -5.64 for social matters, which puts me in the middle of the green quadrant.

What I found interesting was the chart pictured here; the political leanings of the 2008 presidential candidates. I'm shocked that Kucinich and Gravel were the only candidates that even landed in my quadrant, and just how moderately conservative our mainstream "democrat" candidates are. Hillary isn't all that far away in her beliefs than Margaret Thatcher (who would land somewhere around Mike Huckabee). Even Ron Paul doesn't get a quadrant of his own.

Anyone else think it's time for a more-than-two party system?

Nanny's Lament (or, Roald Dahl, Prophet)

(From the book Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator by Roald Dahl, 1972)

This mighty man of whom I sing,
The greatest of them all,
Was once a teeny little thing,
Just eighteen inches tall.

I knew him as a tiny tot,
I nursed him on my knee.
I used to sit him on the pot
And wait for him to wee.

I always washed between his toes,
And cut his little nails.
I brushed his hair and wiped his nose
And weighed him on the scales.

Through happy childhood days he strayed,
As all nice children should.
I smacked him when he disobeyed,
And stopped when he was good.

It soon began to dawn on me
He wasn't very bright,
Because when he was twenty-three
He couldn't read or write.

"What shall we do?" his parents sob.
"The boy has got the vapors!
He couldn't even get a job
Delivering the papers!'

'Ah-ha' I said, 'this little clot
Could be a politician.'
'Nanny,' he cried, 'Oh Nanny, what
A super proposition!'

'Okay,' I said, 'let's learn and note
The art of politics.
Let's teach you how to miss the boat
And how to drop some bricks,
And how to win the people's vote
And lots of other tricks.

Let's learn to make a speech a day
Upon the T.V. screen,
In which you never never say
Exactly what you mean.
And most important, by the way,
Is not to let your teeth decay,
And keep your fingers clean.

'And now that I am eighty-nine,
It's too late to repent.
The fault was mine the little swine
Became the President.

(originally posted on my Myspace blog)

I Have Seen The Light, People.

I now see that the VA Tech massacre could have been prevented by one simple measure: arm everyone.

If the other students and teachers were armed, they would have taken Seung Hui Cho down in a hail of gunfire. Or better yet, Seung Hui Cho, knowing that everyone in that lecture hall was armed, would have calmly and rationally re-evaluated his actions, and calmly and rationally hung himself in his dorm room. Because Seung Hui Cho was known all his life for his calmness and rationality.

I now realize that the key to a safe, secure, calm, ordered, law-abiding society is to relax all restrictions on carrying defensive weapons. That way, there will never be any more shootings in nightclubs, bars, fast food restaurants, commuter trains, churches, or any other place where madmen might contemplate mass slaughter. Because the knowledge that everyone in the room is packing will force all potential troublemakers to re-evaluate their decision-making processes and find non-violent solutions for their disagreements. Or if they are mentally ill, they will voluntarily submit themselves for treatment.

And of course, there would never be any crime. Home invasions and carjackings would cease. Potential criminals would go back to school and get jobs.

And just think! If everyone on those four airplanes were armed, 9/11 would have never happened. Those nineteen potential hijackers would have seen the error of their ways, realized the futility of their animosity against the benevolent superpower that was, is, and always shall be the United States of America, gone back home, converted to a much less hostile sect of Islam, and then all Jews and Muslims would live together in peace and harmony.

And of course, that's the definition of peace: everyone armed to the teeth. Just like in the final scene in Reservoir Dogs. That's my perfect world right there.

I'll finally feel secure walking through the hordes of people in Adams Morgan on a Saturday night, knowing that every single one of them is armed.

Of course, with every American adult being armed, there may be a slight rise in fatalities due to handgun accidents. And there are studies that suggest an unfortunate relationship between gun ownership and suicidality. And just maybe a few regrettable incidents of people being caught in the crossfire as people defend themselves from each other. Sure, 30,000 people a year are killed by handgun violence or accidents, and that's really really tragic and stuff, but come on, isn't a slight rise in that rate worth the price of security? I mean, suppose that figure were to double or triple, we could live with that, couldn't we?

If you don't like it, you could live in a repressive totalitarian dictatorship that has gun control. Like England, Canada, or Australia.

(originally posted on my Myspace blog)