April 25, 2007

I Have Seen The Light, People.

I now see that the VA Tech massacre could have been prevented by one simple measure: arm everyone.

If the other students and teachers were armed, they would have taken Seung Hui Cho down in a hail of gunfire. Or better yet, Seung Hui Cho, knowing that everyone in that lecture hall was armed, would have calmly and rationally re-evaluated his actions, and calmly and rationally hung himself in his dorm room. Because Seung Hui Cho was known all his life for his calmness and rationality.

I now realize that the key to a safe, secure, calm, ordered, law-abiding society is to relax all restrictions on carrying defensive weapons. That way, there will never be any more shootings in nightclubs, bars, fast food restaurants, commuter trains, churches, or any other place where madmen might contemplate mass slaughter. Because the knowledge that everyone in the room is packing will force all potential troublemakers to re-evaluate their decision-making processes and find non-violent solutions for their disagreements. Or if they are mentally ill, they will voluntarily submit themselves for treatment.

And of course, there would never be any crime. Home invasions and carjackings would cease. Potential criminals would go back to school and get jobs.

And just think! If everyone on those four airplanes were armed, 9/11 would have never happened. Those nineteen potential hijackers would have seen the error of their ways, realized the futility of their animosity against the benevolent superpower that was, is, and always shall be the United States of America, gone back home, converted to a much less hostile sect of Islam, and then all Jews and Muslims would live together in peace and harmony.

And of course, that's the definition of peace: everyone armed to the teeth. Just like in the final scene in Reservoir Dogs. That's my perfect world right there.

I'll finally feel secure walking through the hordes of people in Adams Morgan on a Saturday night, knowing that every single one of them is armed.

Of course, with every American adult being armed, there may be a slight rise in fatalities due to handgun accidents. And there are studies that suggest an unfortunate relationship between gun ownership and suicidality. And just maybe a few regrettable incidents of people being caught in the crossfire as people defend themselves from each other. Sure, 30,000 people a year are killed by handgun violence or accidents, and that's really really tragic and stuff, but come on, isn't a slight rise in that rate worth the price of security? I mean, suppose that figure were to double or triple, we could live with that, couldn't we?

If you don't like it, you could live in a repressive totalitarian dictatorship that has gun control. Like England, Canada, or Australia.

(originally posted on my Myspace blog)